The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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