I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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