so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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