Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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