how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
