i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
