I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
