When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
