Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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