the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
