Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
