im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
