capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
