your parents love me but you hate me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
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