You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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