call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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