I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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