Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
