just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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