ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
