He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
