Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
