So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
