Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You brought string cheese to the strip club
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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