my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
And then my night got REAL pukey
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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