i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
