As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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