is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
