yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
