you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
