I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
