So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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