i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize