i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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