Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Randomize
