remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
