I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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