Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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