hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
