dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
