Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
