i think i have two assholes
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
