I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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