I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
