Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
