I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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