so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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