as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
