at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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