A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
