Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
