just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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