To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
