I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
