Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize