my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
