You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize