I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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