where am i from again
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
