yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
