I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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