So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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